


Dear Zoe Murphy

by Ironically_canon



Category: Dear Evan Hansen
Genre: Other, Theatre, dear evan hansen - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-23
Updated: 2018-12-01
Packaged: 2018-12-19 01:35:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 12
Words: 12,235
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11887149
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ironically_canon/pseuds/Ironically_canon
Summary: What if Zoe had committed suicide instead of Connor? Beginning's a bit dull, but it gets better I promise. Rotating POV, rated T for language and suicide (obviously) TW





	1. Chapter 1

If there was one thing Evan had not wanted to do this morning, it was attempting to write a positive letter to himself. As he stared at the blank screen his mother's words ran through his head

"This will help build your confidence, Evan."

She'd said, only how could she have possibly known how hard that would be? Evan thought to himself

Of course she couldn't have known, because I've never told her, and even if I could, I'd probably still have to write them, only I'd have to make something up so that she'd feel better and -

His thoughts were interrupted by his mother walking through his door. He shut the laptop and look up at her. She smiled warmly and sat down next to him, glancing at the computer.

"Have you been writing those letters to yourself? 'Dear Evan Hansen, today's gonna be a good day, and here's why.'"

He thought of the ten or so times he'd started writing a letter and then just given up after trying to find find a list of reasons that didn't exist. He gave her a small smile

"I started one,"

he replied quietly, looking down at his feet.

His mother drew him close to her and stroked his hair.

"Those letters are gonna help you build your confidence, honey."

She said softly, kissing the top of his head and standing up.

How is writing a letter going to build my confidence?

He wondered internally.

"I guess,"

He said finally.

"Hey, remember this year, were being optimistic. The world's not gonna fall apart, and this year we're going to stick it out okay? It's a new start, okay?"

She said, putting her hands on her hips.

"Hey I know, why don't you go around and ask the other kids to sign your cast?"

That is literally the last thing I'd ever want to do, mom.

He thought to himself. He looked up at his mother, whose face was so full of hope and she was trying so hard.

"That sounds perfect."

He replied, sighing inwardly.

"I'm proud of you already."

She said. He slung his backpack onto his shoulder and walked out

Oh, good.

He thought as he walked out the door and hopped on to his bike.

 

 

"It's your senior year, Connor you're not missing the first day."

The sound of his mom's voice snapped Connor out of his thoughts.

He thought of the first day, everyone trying to make friends and figure out where they fit in now, a year older than before, and shrunk into himself a little.

Yeah no, not happening.

He thought.

"I already said I'd go tomorrow,"

He replied, grabbing a piece of toast.

I've been explaining this since the summer began,

He thought to himself.

I don't know why you're so surprised

His mom looked over to his dad expectantly.

His dad just shrugged.

"He doesn't listen, look at him, he's probably high."

He glared at his dad.

I don't even get high until after noon

He thought angrily.

It was a promise he'd made himself, one he rarely broke, unless he was having an especially shitty day, like today.

"He's definitely high."

Zoe spoke up from the opposite end of the table.

"Fuck you!"

He yelled, standing up.

"Fuck you,"

She shot back, sticking her tongue out.

"Guys quit it. Connor, I don't want you going to school high."

Jackpot.

"Perfect, so then I won't go. Thanks mom!" He called as he ran up the stairs to his room.

He could hear footsteps behind him and was surprised to see his dad when the door opened.

"Listen, I know you hate school and whatever, but it'd mean a lot to your mom if you went."

Yeah well, it'd mean a lot to me if you fucking listened to anything I said, ever,

He fumed silently, crossing his arms.

"Fine."

He replied, grabbing his bag and stalking out.

~~~~~~

 

Why the hell did Connor have to be such a dick?

Zoe pondered as she grabbed her keys and backpack from the hook beside the door.

It's not like what I said wasn't true, and he's high ninety percent of the time anyways

She thought angrily,

throwing her bag onto the passenger seat of her car and starting it up.

At least people pay attention to him.

That's the problem with being strong,

She thought sadly

Nobody asks if you're okay.

Just as she was pulling out, Connor ran up to the car, threw her backpack into the backseat and jumped over the door and into the car.

She raised her eyebrows at him, but didn't say anything.

He shot her a look that said -

"Don't fucking ask or this day will end with me pounding on your door and screaming at you."

Wouldn't be the first time, brother dear,

She thought darkly.

As they pulled in to the school, she opened her mouth to apologize for earlier, but was interrupted by Connor jumping out of the car and running across the parking lot.

"Sorry, don't wanna be late!"

He called back, reaching the doors just as the bell rang.

Oh well, maybe later,

She thought, but something told her that there probably wouldn't be a later.


	2. Chapter 2

"Today is going to be a good day, Evan, and here's why."

Evan whispered to himself as he walked through the halls of his school.

"Hey Evan, how's it going?"

A loud voice cut through the noise of people walking past.

Evan turned to see Jared walking towards him and breathed a small sigh of relief.

"It's - it's um, good actually."

He replied, fiddling with the hem of his shirt

"How was your summer?"

Jared asked him, leaning down so Evan would have to look at him.

He recalled the previous months, which had largely consisted of him sitting in his room with the curtains drawn.

"It was, it was great, I got a lot done, had a great time."

He answered.

"Ah, spent the whole summer in your room, huh? That's cool."

Jared laughed, folding his arms.

"Well anyways, tell your mom that I was nice to you, otherwise my mom'll find out, and my car insurance won't get paid."

He said with a smile, doing finger guns at Evan and taking a step back.

At that moment, Evan became aware of the sudden lack of noise in the hall and turned towards the door, flinching slightly.

There were only a couple of things that would warrant this kind of silence at his school: some kind of disaster,

or Connor Murphy.

It wasn't that people really hated him or anything, it was more that you never knew when he was going to explode and start screaming at people, so everyone just kind of stayed out of his way.

"Hey Connor!"

Everyone, that is, except for the insanely stupid, Jared Kleinman.

Connor looked over at Jared and Evan, and glared.

"I'm loving the hair, very school shooter-esque."

Oh no,

Evan thought, looking down at his shoes and curling into himself.

Connor had gone still, but he had murder in his expression.

"Oh come on, I was joking,"

Jared laughed, leaning against Evan's locker.

"No it's funny, I'm laughing."

Connor said in a monotone voice.

He took a step towards them.

"Am I not laughing hard enough?"

He asked in the same tone.

Evan flinched away slightly.

Jared rolled his eyes.

"What a psycho,"

Jared laughed as he walked away.

Evan let out a nervous laugh and looked back to Connor, who was now glaring daggers at him.

The smile vanished from Evan's face.

"What are you laughing at?"

Connor asked.

Evan shook his head and started fiddling with the hem of his shirt.

"What the fuck are you laughing at?"

Connor said loudly, starting towards Evan.

"Stop fucking laughing!"

Evan stumbled backwards.

"You think I'm the freak!?"

Connor pointing to himself.

"I'm not the freak! You're the fucking freak!"

He yelled, pushing Evan onto the floor and storming off.

So much for making friends,

Evan thought.

 

 

"Hey, I'm sorry about my brother, I saw him push you,"

Zoe apologized, gesturing to where Connor had run off.

"Evan, right?"

She asked, smiling. Evan looked completely stunned.

"Evan?"

He asked.

"That's your name."

Zoe replied, confused.

"Yes it is I know it's Evan, sorry."

He amended quickly.

"Why're you sorry?"

She asked.

"Well it's just that you said Evan and then I said Evan and it's just, I repeated it and, that is just so annoying when people do that."

He replied so quickly she almost didn't understand what he'd just said.

"I'm Zoe."

She reached her hand out.

He reached out to shake her hand, but then pulled it back and quickly wiped it on his shirt.

"Yeah no, I know."

He said, shutting his eyes and fiddling with the hem of his shirt.

"You know?"

She wondered aloud.

I've never even talked to you before.

She thought.

"No, I just, I've seen you in jazz band and just I love jazz, well not all jazz, but definitely like jazz band and that's, that weird I'm sorry."

He turned red.

"You apologize a lot."

She said with a laugh.

After a moment she turned to walk away.

"Okay well I'll see you-"

"Doyouwannasignmycast"

"What?"

"Sorry, what did you say?"

"No you said something."

She replied.

"What me? No, no way... hosé."

He made a weird face and then turned and ran in the direction Connor had gone.

Okay, that was kind of weird, but whatever,

Zoe thought to herself as she walked to class.

Connor tucked a strand of hair behind his ear and looked at himself in the mirror.

 

 

It's not that bad, is it?

He wondered, reaching for a hair band on his wrist and coming up empty.

Why is everyone so fucking confusing

He thought, digging through his bag for something to pull his hair back with.

After a minute, he set the bag on the sink and dug through to the bottom, finally coming up with a hair tie.

Well fuck that,

He decided, pulling his hair back into a loose bun and slinging his bag back over his neck.

He replayed the mornings events over in his head. He felt a pang of guilt for pushing Evan onto the floor

I should probably go apologize to him

He thought fleetingly, walking out of the bathroom. He checked the time on his phone.

It was about lunchtime, though he knew that Evan rarely ate lunch in the cafeteria,

Whether it was the sheer amount of people, the noise, or both, he had no idea, but it seemed to make him anxious nonetheless.

Although that might have changed in the past year or so,

Connor thought to himself as he walked.

In the past year, he hadn't eaten in the cafeteria much, using that time instead to smoke for a couple of minutes behind the school.

Today though, he decided to go to the cafeteria on the off chance that Evan would be there.

As he walked into the room, it quieted considerably; something that didn't go unnoticed by Connor, though he would never admit it.

Stop staring, do you guys have nothing else to do?

He wondered as he sat down at an empty table in the corner and opened his lunch bag.

Four years, and it's still just a sandwich.

He thought as he pulled out the sandwich and bottle of water that his mom had packed him.

He usually just threw the bag in the trash on the way home every day, which was one of the thousands of reasons his mother was always mad at him.

"If you don't want it, just bring it home and someone else will eat it."

She would tell him, standing in his doorway.

He could have just not told her, but he just didn't care anymore.

As he looked around, he noticed a few familiar faces. He hadn't really cared to make friends in high school, but he saw people he'd known in middle school.

It didn't really make him sad, but people didn't want to be friends with the druggie problem child, and that was fine.

If you hate everyone already,

he thought, somewhat angrily.

it doesn't hurt when they hate you too,


	3. Chapter 3

After school finally ended, Connor went to look for Evan to apologize.

I mean he already hates me, what's the worst that can happen?

He thought as he poked his head into the theater, where the drama kids were chatting.

As he walked down the hall, looking into a classroom every few paces, he rehearsed his apology, whispering softly.

"Hey, I just wanted to say I'm sorry for-"

He paused.

What am I apologizing for? Yelling at him? pushing him?

"For being a dick earlier."

He shook his head as he turned a corner, nearly colliding with someone else. He turned to see who it was, and was surprised to see Jared, who had barely glanced at him and was walking away, his nose buried in a book.

"Hey!"

Connor called, running to catch up with him.

Jared turned his head, raising his eyebrows and stopping.

"What do you want?"

He said, rolling his eyes and returning to his book.

"Do you know where Evan is?"

Jared looked up at him sharply.

"What, did you not think pushing him once was enough?"

He asked mockingly, closing his book.

Connor glared at him.

"Just tell me where he is."

He said shortly.

"Whatever, I would try the computer lab. He spends a lot of time in there."

Jared replied, opening his book and walking away.

Connor shook his head and started walking

towards the computer lab.

He had spent a lot of time in there a year or two ago, although not for the reasons most other people had.

Please be here,

He thought as he opened the door softly.

He scanned the room for Evan, craning his neck to see over all the cubicles before spotting a blue shirt.

He took a deep breath and went over what he was going to say quickly.

Heyevanimsorryipushedyputhatwasadickmove

He nodded and started making his way around the desks.

He paused when he heard someone muttering .

Peeking his head around the corner, he saw Evan, hunched over one of the computers, gesturing wildly with his hands, and talking softly to himself.

What the hell?

Connor thought to himself, looking around to see if there was anyone else in the room.

His eyes landed on a piece of paper coming out of the printer.

That's gotta be his, I'll just give it to him and apologize.

He thought, grabbing the paper and walking swiftly around the corner, colliding with Evan, who had apparently finished his conversation, knocking them both to the floor.

He untangled himself from Evan and stood up, offering his hand to the boy on the floor.

Evan looked up at him questioningly for a moment, before slowly reaching out his hand and letting Connor pull him up.

He bent over to pick up his backpack off the floor, and Connor noticed that he had a cast on

Shit did he have that before?

He thought, panicking for a moment before realizing that

Of course he had it, I didn't break his arm.

He noticed that no one had signed the cast.

"What happened to your arm?"

He asked, folding his arms so Evan wouldn't see the piece of paper.

"I uh, fell out of a tree."

Evan replied, nodding to himself and cradling his arm.

There was an awkward silence.

Connor noticed that Evan was carrying a marker. He suddenly felt sorry for him, realizing that he probably didn't have many friends

"Can I sign it?"

He asked, reaching for Evan's

arm.

Evan held out out his hand and gave him the marker.

Connor put the cap between his teeth and pulled the marker out, before writing his name in giant letters.

He capped the marker and handed it back to Evan, who looked surprised as he tucked the marker into his backpack.

Connor offered him a small smile before saying,

"There. Now we can both pretend we have a friend."

He said, sounding harsher than he'd meant to.

Evan smiled back.

"Yeah,"

He replied somewhat sadly, looking down at his shoes.

Connor remember the paper and held it out to him.

"Is this yours? I saw it and-"

His eye caught on the word "Zoe",

And he frowned, pulling the paper back and reading out loud, getting angrier.

"What is this?"

He asked Evan, who looked like he was shrinking into himself.

"Uh, it's a- um-"

Evan stammered.

Connor took a step closer to him, and he stumbled back, tripping over his own foot and falling onto the floor.

He looked up at Connor helplessly,

And another wave of pity rolled over him.

He shoved the paper into his pocket, and stormed out of the room, running out of the school. He knew Zoe had jazz band after school and wouldn't be leaving for a couple of hours, and started walking home.

It was a twenty-minute drive, so he knew walking would take a while.

Plenty of time to wallow in regret,

He thought, rolling his eyes and slinging his bag over his neck.

 

 

Evan got up from the floor.

Third time today,

He thought as he gathered his things.

That's gotta be a record,

He slung his backpack over his shoulders and walked out of the room.

He sat down on a ledge in front of the school, waiting for his mom, who was supposed to pick him up for therapy.

He checked his phone for the time and looked around. No car in sight.

Thirty minutes late.

He sighed and hopped off the ledge, turning to walk home. Thankfully he only lived about ten minutes away on foot, so he would have to walk that far.

He reached the door, he fumbled for his keys.

He unlocked the door and stepped inside,

Dropping his backpack by the door and walking into the kitchen.

His mom had left money for him to order food, but ordering food required talking on the phone, and eventually talking to someone at the door. His stomach flipped at the thought.

He checked the fridge.

There was a bottle of ketchup and a package of cheese. He closed the fridge and glanced at the money, shaking his head.

Guess I'm not eating dinner.

He resigned, opening the fridge again and grabbing a piece of cheese before jogging up the stairs to his room.

He slumped onto the bed and opened his computer, checking his email, not surprised to find it empty.

He remembered that he was supposed to have written a letter for his therapist,

Since Connor took it.

He opened up notes and started writing.

It was supposed to be a positive letter, but at the moment, Evan definitely didn't feel positive, and gave up after a couple of minutes.

Not like it actually matters,

He thought to himself, closing the computer and setting it on his nightstand.

He turned off the lamp and curled up on his bed, closing his eyes.

 

 

Zoe could smell the weed before she walked in the door.

If you're going to smoke pot,

She thought angrily as she unlocked the door and walked in,

The least you can do is not smoke it in the fucking house.

She dropped her backpack by the door, and walked upstairs with her guitar case.

"Connor!"

She called as she reached the top of the stairs.

No answer.

Probably passed out on the bathroom floor.

She thought bitterly.

The smell got stronger as she got closer to the bathroom.

She sighed and walked into her room, setting down the case and heading to the bathroom.

She paused in front of the door and took a deep breath, shouldering open the door.

She couldn't see much at first, the smoke was pretty thick, but after a moment her eyes adjusted and found Connor - who was, exactly as she'd guessed - passed out on the floor, a piece of crumpled paper in his hand.

He's gonna kill himself one of these days,

She thought as she stepped out of the bathroom to take another breath, and then walked over to Connor, hooked her hands under his arms, and dragged out of the bathroom and into the hallway.

She propped him against the wall and went back into the bathroom. She opened the windows of the room and turned on the fan, before walking out and closing he door behind her. She slapped his cheek gently, just to make sure he was still alive.

His eyes fluttered open for a moment,

Before they rolled back into his head and he moaned softly.

Zoe rolled her eyes and hooked her hands under his arms again, dragging him through the hallway and into his room, where she laid him down on the floor.

As she looked back at him before walking out of the room,

She felt a fleeting surge of pity, which was quickly replaced by anger.

Why is it my job to make sure you don't kill your self?

She thought, slamming the door behind her and walking back to the bathroom to throw away whatever drugs he'd left.

She paused when she heard a crinkle under her feet, looking down to see the paper that Connor had been holding.

She picked it up, quickly skimming through it, catching her name.

What is this?

She wondered.

It was addressed to Evan Hansen.

The boy he pushed?

Is this a suicide note?

He didn't look like he was trying to kill himself, but you never knew with Connor.

He'd slit his wrists in ninth grade, and they'd managed to get him to the hospital before he'd bled out, but he hadn't tried since then.

She remembered being yelled at afterwards by her parents, because she'd been at home with him when it had happened.

Like it was my fault Connor's an idiot.

She'd thought to herself.

She shook her head, clearing away the memory, before shoving the letter in her pocket and returning to the cabinet to throw out Connor's drugs.

He often got angry at her for doing this, screaming at her through her locked door.

She did it anyway, partly to piss him off, and partly because if anyone else found the drugs, their family could be ripped apart, and partly, though she wouldn't admit it, because she knew he didn't care about his own life, and someone had to. It was unfortunate though, that that job fell to her.

She dug around in the cabinets, pausing when she saw a bottle of pills that her dad had been taking for his back. She looked at it for a moment before shaking her head and started digging around again, eventually finding the bag of weed that Connor had stashed in the back of the cabinet.

She opened the bag and dumped it out the window, throwing the now empty bag in the trash.

She returned to the cabinet, pausing again when she saw the pills.

I could do it.

She thought to herself.

She knew her parents wouldn't be home for a long time, and who knew when Connor would wake up.

She grabbed the bottle and unscrewed the lid.

Let him find me passed out for once.

She thought bitterly,

I'm done.

She decided, walking to her room

and shutting the door behind her.


	4. Chapter 4

Connor was the only one home when Zoe collapsed. He sat with her in the ambulance on the way to the hospital, where they tried unsuccessfully to bring her back from death.

He was the only one in the waiting room when the doctor came in to tell him that they hadn't been able to help her.

"She was just too far gone."

The woman told him sadly, her eyes watering slightly.

You didn't even know her.

He thought bitterly.

Out loud, he only said,

"Thank you."

He turned without another word and walked out of the hospital.

He tried calling his parents again.

No answer.

And no surprise there.

He thought with a humorless laugh, and then collapsed onto the ground.

The image of Zoe laying lifeless in a hospital bed was seared into his head.

He knew she was dead, even before the ambulance arrived.

Her heart was still beating, sure, but she was dead.

Has been for a long time.

Connor thought of the dead eyes and empty smile that he had noticed she often wore. He thought of the marks on her thighs that he'd noticed whenever she wore track shorts around the house. He hadn't been under any illusion that they'd come from anything but herself, but hadn't really cared enough to ask about them.

He laid in the middle of the road, staring up at the stars, thinking about the marks on his own arms and legs.

She definitely knew about his marks, he'd seen her eyeing them enough times, and she knew he'd tried to off himself.

I guess she didn't care enough either.

He laughed, but it came out as more of a sob.

He closed his eyes and put his arms over his head.

I'm gonna get run over.

He thought to himself,

But didn't get up.

And he laid there, letting his tears fall freely.

Tears for the friendship they'd never had, tears for the things he hadn't said, for the things he'd never be able to say.

The things that he'd been tooo far away to tell her.

You had such a nice smile.

He thought, thinking of the way it lit up her face. He hadn't seen that smile often, Zoe usually saved it for people who she cared about, and if there was anyone that didn't make that list, it was her drug-addicted brother.

He'd never figured out how to talk to her, after the years of not talking, it just seemed like too much time, so he hadn't.

He remembered the letter Zoe had been holding when he'd found her.

Evan's letter.

He remembered.

He'd hastily shoved it into his pocket, and he'd forgotten it completely until now. He took the crumpled piece of paper out of his pocket and read it quickly.   
Another sob wracked his body, and he folded the piece of paper and shoved it back into his pocket.

He tried to make himself stand up, but couldn't.

Thirty seconds.

He told himself.

You get thirty seconds, and then you're gonna get up, stop crying, and walk home.

He started counting.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5.

He let out another sob, running his hands through his hair.

15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20.

He took a shaky breath, and let it out slowly.

25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30.

He stood up slowly, and wiped his eyes with his sleeve.

He pulled his hair up into a ponytail,

Brushing the loose strands behind his ears.

And then he started walking.


	5. Chapter 5

Evan was waiting for his mom to pick him up outside the school when he noticed Zoe's mom and dad driving up.

That's strange.

He eyed them somewhat suspiciously, watching them as they parked and got out of their car.

It was odd enough that they had come to the school, since Zoe had a car, but it was stranger still that both of them had showed up.

They seemed to be looking around for something.

Or someone.

Evan hadn't seen Zoe that day, not that he was looking, but still.

Her mom looked at Evan, nudging her husband, who looked over as well.

Evan looked down and started fiddling with his backpack.

He glanced back up to see both of them walking towards him.

Did I do something?

He couldn't think of anything he'd done, but

stood up anyways, grabbing his backpack and hurrying towards the front doors.

"Evan!"

He heard a woman's voice calling.

He froze, feeling his face go red.

He turned around slowly.

Zoe's parents were heading towards him, walking quickly.

"Yes?"

He asked, offering a nervous smile.

"I'm Cynthia. this is Larry, my husband.

We're Zoe's parents."

Her voice caught when she said Zoe's name, and Evan's heart skipped a beat.

What happened?

"N-nice to meet you."

She reached out her hand, and Evan reached out his own to shake hers.

Sweaty hands.

He pulled his hand away and scratched his neck awkwardly.

"Doyouneedsomethingimeanyouprobably dootherwiseyouwouldn'tbetalkingtomeandi'msorry."

He laughed nervously.

Cynthia took a shaky breath.

"It's Zoe."

Evan's breathed hitched in his throat

Something's seriously wrong.

"She committed suicide over the weekend. We're so sorry."

He froze.

She handed him the paper, and he started reading it.

This is mine.

He was confused.

Why do they have my letter?

Did Connor give it to them?

He couldn't imagine why Connor would have given it to them.

"Where did you get this?"

He asked them.

Evan heard the door open behind him.

He turned around to see who it was.

Connor was standing in the doorway, looking between Evan and his parents, his eyes wide.

"It was Zoe's..."

Cynthia took another breath.

"Note. Her suicide note."

She started shaking, and her husband pulled her close.

"This isn't, this is m-"

Evan was cut off by Connor grabbing his arms and hauling him backwards.

"Evan! I need you really quickly."

He pulled him into the school and around a corner.

"What are you do-"

"You cannot tell them where that letter came from."

Connor said, peering around the corner.

Evan looked at him incredulously.

"It isn't a suicide note."

Evan replied bleakly.

Connor raised his eyebrows.

"Yes, I know that, where do you think they got the letter?"

He said, tapping the piece of paper that Evan was holding.

Then why do they think it's a suicide note?"

Evan asked him, uncrumpling the paper and staring at it.

"They found me reading it."

Connor replied, staring at the letter as well.

"And you didn't tell them?"

Evan folded his arms.

"Obviously not."

Connor muttered with a sigh.

Evan shook his head.

"Well they deserve to know."

He said, walking around the corner.

Connor grabbed his backpack and dragged him back around the corner.

"No you're not."

Connor told him, pushing him against the wall.

"Then you need to."

Evan shot back.

Connor furrowed his brows.

"Yeah you're right, I'll just tell them that their daughter had no friends, that no one really liked her, and that she killed herself leaving no reason or explanation."

He sighed.

"Look, all you have to do is say you were friends, and it'll all blow over in a week, okay?"

Connor dropped his arms, looking down at his feet.

This is a really bad idea.

Evan let out a deep breath.

"Okay."

He said.

Connor looked at him hopefully.

"Okay."

He echoed, smiling.

 

 

Having people over for dinner was always awkward.

Most of the time, their family didn't eat together, and if they did, it was sat on the couches in the living room, watching tv.

Connor had tried to stop his parents from inviting Evan over to eat.

"I'm sure he'd rather not be interrogated."

He'd told his parents, looking to Evan for support.

The kid had just stood there, frozen like a fucking deer in the headlights.

"No Connor, if he was friends with Zoe, we'd love to have him. Is Friday okay?"

His mom had asked, looking at Evan.

Connor had shook his head violently behind his parents, mouthing

No.

But Evan had just nodded his head. And now here they were, sitting awkwardly around the table, poking at their food.

"So, you and Zoe were friends?"

His dad asked Evan, who nodded silently.

All you have to do is nod.

That's what Connor had told Evan when he'd met him at the door.

"That's great. We didn't know Zoe had friends."

His dad said softly.

"Did you guys talk often? I never saw you at the house."

His mom asked Evan.

Evan looked over at Connor briefly.

"All the time actually, but we didn't come here very often."

Connor closed his eyes.

Why didn't you just nod?

"Then where did you guys hang out?"

His mom asked.

"Well, um, lots of different places actually."

Evan replied.

"Like where? Would you mind telling us?"

His moms eyes were watering.

"Um, well one time we went to the old orchard. In the spring. It was a pretty perfect day, actually."

He said, and Connor noticed he wasn't talking as fast as usual.

Just quit while you're ahead.

He thought to himself.

His parent leaned in closer, clearly wanting to hear more.

Evan took a deep breath.

Just stop talking,

"Well we found a nice spot, and just sat. We could talk about anything with each other."

Evan laughed.

"We were there most of the day."

Connor's parents apparently weren't done listening, and they pressed him for more.

"Well, later that day, she started climbing trees. I didn't want to, but she got me up there anyways.

"Then we found a really big tree. She started climbing, and I climbed behind her slowly.

When we got to the top, she told me to look out at the sky.

I felt like I was flying.

And then the branch beneath me broke."

Evan closed his eyes.

Where did you come up with this?

Connor wondered.

"When I hit the ground, my head hurt, and I couldn't feel my arm. She got me up, and took me to the hospital."

He opened his eyes, looking around at their faces.

His mom was smiling, her eyes wet.

His dad was wiping his eyes hastily.

He looked over at Evan, who was looking at him steadily. Connor smiled slightly.

We're fucking doomed.

He thought to himself.


	6. Chapter 6

"What the hell was that?"

Connor waved his hand wildly.

"I - I don't know, I just panicked."

Evan responded, looking around desperately, though he wasn't sure what he was looking for.

"You told them you guys emailed each other."

Connor said, closing his eyes and tilting his head back.

"I told you, just nod your head. You would've been fine."

They're going to wanna see the emails.

Evan realized, his stomach flipping.

"Well they're gonna want to see the emails now, so thanks a lot, genius."

Connor slumped onto his bed.

"But there aren't any."

Evan said, sitting in the floor.

Connor lifted his head up and raised an eyebrow.

"No duh,"

He muttered, propping his head up with his arm. He looked up at the ceiling.

Evan followed his gaze, noticing that there were stars stuck to it, along with a couple of posters showing various things.

Connor sat up suddenly, making Evan jump.

"Jared."

He said, looking at Evan.

"Jared?"

Evan repeated.

How is Jared the solution?

He wondered.

Connor rolled his eyes at the confused look Evan had.

"He can probably do stuff like that, right?"

He asked.

Evan thought for a minute.

Jared probably could, the question was, would he?

"I don't know."

He replied.

Connor stood up from the bed and walked out of the room.

He reappeared a moment later, his eyebrows raised.

"Coming?"

He asked impatiently.

Evan stood up and followed him down the stairs and to the garage.

Connor grabbed some keys from a hook and strolled over to one of the cars.

"Where are we going?"

Evan asked from the doorway, as Connor opened the car door.

"Jared's. Get in."

He replied, swinging into the seat.

"I don't think that's a good idea,"

Evan began, fiddling with his shirt hem.

"It'll be fine."

Connor said, starting the car.

"Yeah, but what if they're eating dinner or something, or he's not home, or -"

"It'll be fine, get in the car."

Connor replied impatiently.

Evan didn't move.

Connor sighed and got out of the car, strolling over to Evan.

He met his eyes and smiled.

"It's gonna be fine,"

He grabbed Evan's arms and nodded.

"If he's busy, we'll just leave and come back later."

Evan sighed.

"Now,"

Connor said, pulling Evan over to the passenger side of the car.

"Get in."

He walked over to his side. and got back in.

Evan opened his door and got in, buckling his seat belt and closing the door behind him.

"Do you actually have a license?"

Evan asked as they drove along.

Connor glanced over at him and raised his eyebrows.

"Do you think I'd break ever the law?"

He replied indignantly.

Yes, actually.

Evan thought to himself, but kept quiet.

"No, I don't. I know how to drive, of course, but mother and father thought it would be a bad idea for their drug-addicted son to be able to go places, so..."

Connor trailed off, his eyes watching the road carefully.

"Are you?"

Evan asked tentatively.

"Am I What?"

Connor asked absentmindedly.

"You know, addicted."

Evan said.

Connor furrowed his eyebrows thoughtfully.

"Not addicted, no."

He replied after a minute.

"Not that it actually matters, of course."

He added.

Evan sat quietly for a minute before saying,

"It matters."

Connor looked at him sharply.

"To me, anyways, it matters."

He amended quickly.

Connor made a short sound, and turned the corner, pulling into a driveway.

"We're here."

Was all he said.

 

Connor rang the doorbell and stepped back, shoving his hands into his pockets and looking at Evan, who looked like a deer caught in the headlights of a car, and kept glancing over at him.

It was getting somewhat annoying.

This guy better answer the door soon,

Connor thought to himself, feeling slightly nervous.

"Evan, you're giving by me second-hand anxiety, stop."

Evan looked at him, then looked away just as quickly.

Connor rang the doorbell again.

"Maybe he's not home?"

Evan asked somewhat hopefully.

Connor shook his head.

"It's a school night, and he has no friends."

He replied.

Evan opened his mouth to protest, but closed it after Connor shot him a glare.

The door opened suddenly, and Jared squinted at them.

"What the hell are you doing here?"

He asked, mostly to Connor.

"Are your parents home?"

Connor asked, peering past him.

"Look at me,"

Jared replied, gesturing at himself.

Connor rolled his eyes, but complied.

Jared was in his boxers, and he had a small glass in one hand, which was filled with an amber liquid.

"Now ask me again."

Jared pushed his glasses farther up his nose.

"Yeah, okay."

Connor said, grabbing Evan's arms and shouldering his way past Jared.

"Hey!"

He called after them, but they were already inside.

Connor pulled Evan past the entryway and

up a flight of stairs, where he started opening doors until he found what had to be Jared's room.

He folded his arms and waited for Jared to catch up to them.

He appeared in the doorway after a minute.

"What the hell?"

He asked, panting slightly.

"Can you forge emails?"

Connor asked, ignoring the question.

Jared huffed, sitting down at his desk and setting his glass down.

"Of course."

He replied, opening his laptop.

Evan let out a loud sigh of relief, making Connor, who had almost forgotten about the poor kid, look over at him.

He was standing near the door, looking uncomfortable and likely to bolt at any second.

"For a fee, of course."

Jared said, bringing Connor's attention back to him.

He raised his eyebrows and put his hands on his hips.

Oh hell no.

"How much?"

Evan piped up from the doorway.

Jared smirked.

"Two grand."

He replied smugly.

Evan's face fell.

"I don't have that kind of money."

He said helplessly.

Jared folded his arms.

"Too bad then."

Connor crossed the room and pushed Jared up against the wall, pinning him up by his shirt collar.

"Connor, this is kind of passionate, don't you think?"

Jared whispered, raising his eyebrows suggestively.

That's it, I'm decking him.

Connor thought to himself.

Evan, seeming to realize what Connor was about to do, jumped in.

"I've got twenty."

He said desperately.

"Deal."

Jared agreed, wiggling his eyebrows at Connor again.


	7. Chapter 7

Dear Evan Hansen,

We haven't talked in forever, I've been so busy with everything, I wish we could talk more, and I'm sure you're very busy as well.

I think of you each night, though,

I close eyes and my rub my

"No!"

Exclaimed Evan and Connor simultaneously.

Jared snickered, backspacing.

"Why would you write that?"

Evan was looking at the floor.

"Hey, I'm just trying to be truthful.

Why would you guys be emailing each other secretly?"

Evan flushed red and covered his face with his hands.

"Because we were friends."

He answered.

"Oh right, just one of those secret email accounts."

Jared said sarcastically.

"That's disgusting,"

Evan said from behind his hands.

Jared raised his hands.

"There's nothing disgusting about the love one person feels for another."

He laughed.

"I'll do it."

Connor cut in, snatching the laptop out of Jared's hands.

I gotta tell you, life without you has been hard,

"Hard?"

Jared scoffed.

Connor backspaced quickly.

Has been bad,

"Bad?"

Jared interrupted.

Connor rolled his eyes, huffing.

Has been rough.

"Kinky!"

Jared nodded his head as if in approval.

I miss talking with you about life and other things.

"Very specific,"

Jared commented.

"Shut up!"

Connor snapped.

I like my parents,

"Who says that?"

Jared asked, gesturing with his hands.

I love my parents, but each day's another fight.

If I stopped getting drunk, then everything might be fine

"Did Zoe drink?"

Evan asked.

Connor waved a hand dismissively.

"Doesn't matter."

He replied.

Evan shook his head.

"Of course it matter, These emails have to be perfect, this doesn't even sound like Zoe."

Connor raised an eyebrow.

"Oh because you knew Zoe, right?"

He asked incredulously.

"I just.."

Evan trailed off.

"They'll believe anything you tell them, it doesn't matter."

Connor reassured him.

Jared walked over and took the computer back.

"I can finish this."

I'll try what you said, be more nice. I'm getting better, I promise.

I just have to... fix myself.

Sincerely, me.

Ps My brother's hot.

"What the hell?"

Connor stood up.

Jared laughed and backspaced.

Evan stepped between them.

"Are we done now?"

Jared said with a yawn.

"Well we can't just show them one email, dumbass, we have to prove they were actually friends."

Connor said.

Jared sighed theatrically.

Connor rolled his eyes and nodded to Evan.

"Your turn."

Jared sighed and placed his hands on the keyboard, looking at Evan expectantly.

Dear Zoe Murphy, I miss talking as well.

Stop drinking, just try to take deep breaths and go on walks.

"No,"

Jared said.

I'm sending pictures of the prettiest trees.

"No,"

Jared repeated.

You'll be impressed with all my forest knowledge.

"Absolutely not."

Jared scoffed.

Evan shook his head.

"Just fix it."

I'm super proud of you, just keep on working, you'll turn yourself around, I can see.

You can make this work, I believe in you.

Sincerely, me.

"That's fine, I guess."

Jared shook his head.

"That's enough for now."

Connor rubbed his temple, standing up and stretching.

He walked over to the doorway. Turning around,

He nodded to Evan, who stood as well and made for the door.

"Wait a minute, you guys owe me twenty bucks."

Jared closed his computer and smiled brightly.

Connor rolled his eyes and held his hand out to Evan, who fumbled in his pocket before producing a twenty dollar bill and placing it in Connor's hand.

Connor crumpled the paper and threw it on the floor, grabbing Evan and pulling him out the door after him.

By the time Connor had dropped Evan off and driven home, all the lights in the house were off.

He didn't have a key to the house, so he climbed the tree in front of the house.

He hopped onto the roof, clambering in through his window and tumbling onto the floor.

The lights flipped on to reveal his parents, sitting on his bed.

He cursed under his breath.

"Have you guys really been sitting here in the dark all this time?"

He turned to shut the window.

"Connor where were you?"

His mom asked, folding her arms.

Oh I'm in for it now.

He thought sarcastically.

"I was out with a friend."

He replied simply. That much was true, and they didn't really need the specifics, not that he'd tell them even if they asked, but whatever.

"You don't have a license."

His dad stated.

"Yes, thank you for the observation. You were the judge for that decision."

Connor threw his bag on the bed behind his parents.

"Connor, where were you actually?"

He looked over at his mom, who had a knowing look on her face.

She thinks she's got it all figured out.

He raised an eyebrow.

"Well, it looks like you've got it all figured out, so it doesn't matter what I say, does it?"

He shook his head, laughing bitterly.

"Connor, were you out..."

His dad trailed off, sighing.

"Was I out buying drugs?"

Connor finished for him.

"No, I wasn't."

He answered.

"Then where were you?"

His mom raised her voice.

"I was out with a friend."

Connor raised his voice to match hers.

"Connor don't use that tone with your mother."

His dad interjected.

"We just want to help,"

His mom's eyes were watering.

He sighed loudly.

"I don't need your help!"

He yelled,

Grabbing his bag off the bed.

"I'm not this broken thing that you need to fix!"

He gestured wildly with his arms.

"Well normal people don't do drugs on a daily basis, Connor!"

His dad yelled back.

His mom was in tears now, covering her face with her hands.

"I'M NOT NORMAL, OKAY?"

Connor yelled,

Storming out of his room, running down the stairs and out the back door.

He pulled a pack of cigarettes out of his bag and lit one, taking a long drag.

He blew out the smoke, watching as it's tendrils curled up into the air.


	8. Chapter 8

Evan was watching tv when he heard the knock on his door.

He checked his phone.

2:34

It was late, but his mom wouldn't be home until the morning - she'd picked up an overnight shift.

So who's at the door?

He wondered,

His heart racing.

Okay, if someone was going to hurt you, they wouldn't knock on the door.

He took a deep breath, but still ran to the kitchen to grab a rolling pin before going to the door.

He looked through the peephole.

Connor?

The boy was shifting from foot to foot uncomfortably, his hands in his pockets.

Evan let the hand holding the rolling pin drop to his side.

Sighing with relief, he unlocked the door and opened it.

"I know it's late, but I - why are you holding a rolling pin?"

Connor was looking at Evan's hand.

"Its two thirty."

He replied.

"I don't think someone with intent to harm would knock it on the door."

Connor stated.

"Why are you here?"

Evan asked.

"I had a fight with my parents, I was wondering if I could crash here."

He shifted from one foot to the other.

"Just tonight, of course."

Connor added hastily.

"Sure, yeah."

Evan replied, stepping to the side so Connor could walk in.

He stood awkwardly in the hall, watching as Evan shut and locked the door.

"The living room's in there,"

He pointed.

Connor didn't move.

"Oh come on."

Evan grabbed his sleeve and pulled him into the room.

He sat down on the couch slowly.

"Um, we don't have food right now, but we can order something I guess.

I mean you'll have to order, since I can't, we might have some tea?"

"I'm good actually, but thanks."

Connor replied

"So your parents won't mind if I stay here?"

He asked somewhat awkwardly.

Evan shook his head.

"My mom picked up a night shift, so no."

Connor nodded his head slowly.

"She's a nurse, but she's going to law school."

Evan added.

"And your dad won't mind either?"

Connor's leg was jumping rapidly.

Evan was quiet for a moment.

"Yeah no, he's not here much either, so no."

He finally responded.

"Mm."

was all Connor said.

"Do you want anything? We have some tea I think."

Evan repeated.

"I'll take some water."

Connor replied.

Evan started towards the kitchen.

He paused at the doorway.

"Actually,"

He turned to look back a Connor.

"My dad left when I was eight, I don't know why I said that."

Connor nodded in understanding.

"But I mean, he still probably doesn't mind."

Evan added before walking out.

He walked across to the hall to the kitchen, opening up one of the old cabinets and grabbing a glass.

Setting it down on the counter, he opened the freezer to get some ice, when he closed the door, He noticed Connor standing in the doorway.

He yelled loudly, dropping the ice.

Connor jumped too, rushing over to help pick it up.

He picked up the handful and dumped it in the sink.

"Why aren't you in the living room?"

Evan asked, throwing his handful of ice in the sink as Connor bent down to pick up the last couple pieces.

"I was curious, I've never been - rag- to your house."

Evan threw him the cloth.

He wiped up the water, standing up and throwing it back into the sink.

He leaned against the countertop, peering around.

"I like your kitchen."

Evan looked around at the small room, taking in the dented fridge, (his dad had had anger issues), the old cracked cabinets, and the floor, which was stained from his mom's various attempts at cooking.

"Thank you?"

He replied, shrugging.

Connor filled up the glass with water, taking a long sip.

"I've never seen your kitchen."

Evan made an attempt at conversation.

"Oh it's huge."

Connor replied.

"That's nice, I'll bet you guys cook a lot."

Evan replied.

Connor shook his head.

"Never. My parents just like spending money on shit they don't need."

Connor smiled brightly, pulling himself up onto the counter.

"So, how'd you break it?"

He gestured to Evan's arm.

Evan looked down at his cast, Connor's name written in giant letters.

"Oh I fell out of a tree."

He responded after a minute.

"You fell out of a tree?"

Connor echoed.

"Yeah, I um, well I was climbing and a branch just snapped."

Connor nodded.

"Did you like Zoe?"

He asked suddenly.

"What? Why would you think that?"

Evan responded, talking quickly.

Connor raised an eyebrow.

"You literally waited outside the door for an hour after one of her concerts to talk to her."

He replied.

"And you didn't even talk to her."

He shook his head, taking another sip from his glass.

"You noticed that? I don't even know you were there."

Connor jumped off the counter, opening a random cabinet.

"Yeah, well people don't talk to me, and I've become quite the observer."

He dug around the cabinet before closing it and opening a different one.

"Also my parents made me go."

He added.

"What are you doing?"

Evan asked as he opened another one.

"Just looking."

He answered.

"Well you're leaving them open."

Evan said, walking behind Connor, closing the 

Doors.

When Connor had finished with the cabinets, he moved on to the fridge, and then to the oven. He even opened the microwave.

He nodded finally and hopped back onto the counter.

"She was pretty great, huh?"

He asked Evan.

He nodded.

"Yeah, she was."

He replied sadly.

They were still for a moment.

"Okay, this is depressing me, where's your room?"

Connor asked, hopping off the counter again.

"Upstairs, at the end of the hall."

Connor walked out of the room.

Evan followed him up the stairs, racing past him to beat him to the door.

"It's a mess."

He told Connor.

The boy nodded.

"I figured."

He opened the door and walked inside.

Evan followed him.

Connor looked around.

The room was small, with a bed in one corner, and a desk in the other. The walls had various pictures pinned to it, and there was a small shelf of books on one wall.

Connor looked at Evan and raised an eyebrow.

"Seriously? There's literally two socks on the floor."

Evan picked up the clothes and threw them into a basket.

Connor dropped to the floor, facedown.

Evan rushed over, thinking maybe he'd collapsed.

"Evan, come here."

Connor whispered urgently.

Even laid on the floor beside him on his stomach.

"What is it?"

He whispered.

Connor looked at him.

"Don't you see that?"

He asked.

Evan studied the carpet.

"See what?"

He asked.

"That little speck of dust, I think you forgot to pick it up".

Connor replied in a normal tone, sitting back on his knees.

Evan stood up.

"Shut up."

He pushed Connor, and the boy toppled over, laughing.

Evan sat down on his bed.

Connor sat back up and pushed his hair out of his eyes, still giggling slightly.

He leaned against the bed, nudging Evan's leg

"Tell me something,"

He said.

"Why didn't you ever talk to Zoe?"

Connor asked,

Tilting his head back to look at Evan.

He shrugged.

"Sweaty palms."

He replied.

Connor furrowed his brows.

"Elaborate."

He said.

Evan took a breath, his fingers fiddling with a thread.

"One time, after a jazz band concert, I was going to. I had it all planned out, I was going to tell her I liked the music, and ask her name, and then she would be like 'I'm zoe' and then I would say 'what did you say, Chloe?' And then she'd say 'no, zoe' and I'd be like 'oh, I didn't hear you I'm just so busy'

"Only then I thought about having sweaty palms, because that's gross, and then my palms actually got sweaty, which was stupid, because they weren't even sweaty until I started worrying about them being sweaty, so then I put my hands in my pockets to dry them, only they were still sweaty, they were just very warm now, and I didn't want to talk to her with sweaty palms, so I just left."

Connor let out a deep breath.

"Well that is just the saddest fucking thing I've ever heard, oh my god."

He laughed bitterly.

"Why didn't you ever talk to her?"

Evan asked defensively.

"She hated me. It was my fault, but she was fine in her world, and that world didn't involve me, so I just left it."

Connor answered.

"We both could have don't better, huh,"

Evan looked down at Connor, who nodded.

"Yeah, we could have."

Connor agreed, remembering how he'd been watching tv when he'd heard a thump from upstairs.

In the end, he'd had to kick her door open to get to her.

He shook the memory away, jumping onto his feet.

"No, were not sitting here being fucking depressed all night."

He walked around he room.

"Okay I have an idea. We're gonna play a game. I'm going to ask you a question, and the you're going to ask me one."

He said,

"Is there any alchohol in the house?"

He asked Evan.

He thought for a minute.

"I think there's a bottle of whiskey somewhere, but it's never been opened. I think mom forgot about it."

He replied.

Connor nodded seriously.

"Perfect, go get it."

He said.

This is a bad idea.

He thought to himself as he walked up the stairs with the bottle.

Connor was sitting on his desk.

"Okay, here's the rules.

"We can ask each other a question. any question, and if you choose not to answer it, you have to take a drink."

"This doesn't sound like a good idea."

Evan said.

Connor shook his head.

"We're doing it."

He replied.

Evan sat down reluctantly

"Okay, fine."

He gave in.

"Okay question one: have you ever drank before?"

Connor asked.

Evan shook his head.

"Why'd you throw the printer at our teacher in third grade?"

He asked Connor.

"She wouldn't let me be the line leader."

He replied without missing a beat.

"If you had to kiss someone, would it be Jared or Me?"

Connor asked.

Evan stuttered.

"I'm not answering that!"

He replied.

Connor opened the bottle.

"Take a drink."

He handed it over to Evan, who took a small sip. It burned.

"No take a bigger drink, like a whole gulp."

Evan complied, coughing violently when he'd swallowed.

"Great, your turn."

Connor said.

Evan coughed for a minute more.

"How long have you been doing drugs?"

He asked.

"No."

Connor replied, taking the bottle from Evan and taking a big swallow.

He coughed as well, though not as violently as Evan had.

Of course, he's drunk before.

He thought stupidly.

His face felt hot, and he suddenly felt very brave; something he hadn't felt for a long time.

Connor, brushed his hair behind his ear, an Evan noticed the tips of his ears were beet red.

"Okay, this is actually kind of boring."

Connor said, taking another swig.

"Tell me about your life."

He said, passing the bottle to Evan, who took a big swallow.

"It's a long one."

He warned.

Connor shrugged.

"We've got all night."

He replied with a small smile.


	9. Chapter 9

Connor hung his head as him and Evan walked into school the next morning, his head feeling like someone has taken a hammer to it, and judging by the way Evan was walking, he wasn't feeling much different.

They'd taken aspirin before they'd left the house, opting out of wearing sunglasses to block out the light.

They almost hadn't made it to school, between Evan running to the bathroom to throw up constantly, and Connor trying to do anything to block his senses, which had included tying a bandana around his eyes, shoving earplugs in his ears, and crawling under the bed.

Finally though, Evan had finished, and dragged Connor out from under the bed, handing him a pill and a glass of water.

Then he'd gotten ready, lending Connor a clean shirt.

They'd both gotten out the door in time, although they'd had to run the couple of blocks, both of them out of breath by the time they'd finally gotten there.

Most people had turned their heads to watch them walk by, surprised, he'd guessed, that Evan had a friend, and that out of all people, it was Connor Murphy, the kid who'd thrown a printer at the teacher in third grade.

He'd perfected his glare over the years, which helped as they walked through the hallway, people here and there stopping to look, and whispering among each other.

They split up to go to class, promising to meet afterwards by the theater door.

When school was over, Evan sat by the theater door, waiting for Connor, who he'd expected to be late.

Ten minutes exactly.

Evan thought, checking his phone as the other boy came around the corner, his hand over his eyes to block out the light.

"How was your day?"

He asked sarcastically.

Evan smiled.

"Great. Only threw up twice, so..."

He stood up, slinging his backpack over his shoulder and nodding at Connor.

"Dinner at my house?"

He asked, stepping into the building's shadow and dropping his hands from his forehead.

"Will your parents mind, or?"

Evan let the question hang.

Connor waved a hand dismissively.

"Nah,"

He said.

"Besides, they'll want to see the emails."

He started walking, and Evan followed him, walking quickly to keep up with Connor's long strides.

Evan expected Connor to yell when they'd gotten inside, like he did when he knew his mom was home, but Connor just ran up the stairs, Evan following close behind.

He dropped his backpack at the door, sitting down on the desk chair and watching as Connor threw his backpack onto the desk beside Evan, flopping onto his bed

And brushing his hair out of his face so it fanned out over his pillow.

He exhaled softly, closing his eyes and rolling so he faced Evan.

Evan watched him curiously, looking away every couple of seconds in case the boy opened his eyes.

Within minutes, Connor had fallen asleep, his breathing levelling out and deepening.

Evan smiled to himself, grabbing his backpack from the doorway and sitting down next to the bed. He leaned back against Connor's knee, moving slowly so he didn't wake the boy.

He unzipped his backpack and took out a book he was supposed to be writing a paper on.

Eventually, he got bored and, setting the book down, scooted forward, laying on his back so he was looking at Connor, who was now hanging halfway off the side of the bed.

Evan watched him quietly, studying the planes and lines of his face, memorizing the patterns of his breathing.

Connor rolled over suddenly, off the bed and onto Evan, who was still laying on the floor. Connor woke up immediately, scrambling to get up.

Evan grunted as Connor's elbow slammed into his stomach, his arm shooting out and colliding with Connor's nose.

The boy scrambled backwards, laying back on the floor and bringing his hand up to his face, groaning when it came away bloody.

"I'll get some tissues?"

Evan asked hesitantly.

Connor nodded, still holding his nose.

Evan rushed to the bathroom, digging around for something to stop the bleeding.

After finding a box of Kleenex, he rushed back to the room and handed the box to Connor, who's hand was covered in blood, and was using his shirt to staunch the flow.

Evan's eyes widened, panicking by at how much blood there was.

"WHY IS THERE SO MUCH BLOOD ARE YOU DYING?!"

His breathing sped up, his heart racing.

Connor shook his head, taking the box and grabbing a handful of tissues.

"I'b dot dying."

He said dryly, holding the tissues to his nose.

"Dis idn'd even dat buchblood."

Evan looked at him in disbelief.

"Not that much blood? Your shirt is covered!"

Connor looked down at himself as if just noticing that his shirt was soaked.

Shrugging dismissively, he peeled it off, throwing it on the floor next to Evan, who looked away from him abruptly.

He started using the tissue to wipe away the blood. He looked up at Evan, who was blushing profusely and staring at the floor, and snorted.

"Does dis bake you uncomfortable?"

Connor asked suggestively, making an amused noise and going back to cleaning off the blood.

His mom yelled that dinner was ready, saving Evan from having to form any kind of response.

"Can we see the emails?"

Connor's mom asked when they'd finished dinner.

Evan looked to Connor, who shrugged and nodded his chin towards the stairs.

Evan ran up to grab the computer, almost tripping over a footstool on his way back to the kitchen.

He handed the laptop to Connor, who set it on the table, opening it and pulling up the website.

His mom called his dad over, the two of them sitting down to read the emails.

Connor's mom read through them quickly, her eyebrows furrowing in confusion.

She looked up finally, her expression sad.

"Is this a joke?

She asked softly, her finger brushing the screen.

"What do you mean?"

Connor replied without missing a beat.

"I mean, this doesn't sound like Zoe at all,"

His mom said, her voice rising.

"Zoe didn't drink, she didn't talk like this."

She stood up now, looking angrily at Connor.

"You think this is some kind of fucking joke?"

She yelled, slamming the computer shut.

Connor flinched away.

"You thought it would be okay if you just pretended to be her? Like you could ever be her?"

Connor closed his eyes.

"And you brought Evan into this!"

Connor's dad put a hand on her shoulder, which she shoved away, tears streaming down her face.

She sat back down, hunching over with her face in her hands.

"You don't even care that she's dead."

Evan heard her say.

He looked over to Connor, who's eyes were red, from anger or sadness, he didn't know.

The boy turned and ran out the door, slamming it behind him.

"I'm so sorry."

Evan said to Connor's parents before turning and running after him.


	10. Chapter 10

Evan spent hours looking for Connor.

He walked through town looking for him, checking the school, the park, even the small grocery store.

finally he just decided to go home, thinking that if he couldn't find Connor, then that probably meant that the boy wanted to be alone and was avoiding him.

That hurt, slightly.

He was so enraptured with his thoughts that he almost walked past Connor, who was sitting on his porch.

Evan couldn't see him that well in the darkness, since the porch light was out.

 

"It's almost two in the morning."

Evan said.

Connor looked around, as if just noticing where he was.

"Have you been here the whole time?"

Evan asked.

Connor nodded, looking at the floor.

"Alright."

Evan sat down next to him, stretching his legs, which were sore from walking.

The two sat for a minute, staring out at the street, staring up at the moon, which was only a sliver of light in the dark.

"Why isn't your hair short?"

Evan broke the silence.

It was something he'd wondered sometimes, but had never been able to ask.

"Hmm?"

Connor looked at him, broken out of his thoughts.

"Your hair, what do you keep it long for?"

He repeated.

Connor ran a hand through the tangled mass, brushing a bit behind his ear.

"I just never cared enough, I guess."

He replied, his fingers tugging at a strand.

"And the nails?"

Evan asked cautiously.

Connor thought for a moment before answering.

"It's just repetitive motion. It calms me down."

Evan nodded, yawning.

"Well, I'm exhausted."

He stood up, stretching his arms and unlocking the door.

Connor nodded sadly, looking back down at his feet.

Evan waited a moment.

"Are you coming, or..."

He watched as Connor looked up at him, his face flooding with relief.

"Yeah."

He replied with a small smile, standing up and walking inside behind Evan.


	11. Chapter 11

Evan ran home in tears, replaying the things Connor's mom had said to him.

Every bad thing about himself that he'd tried to repress and not think about, every little wound and cut he'd bandaged up neatly, ripped open for people to see, and the pain of it was threatening to suffocate him.

He ran home almost blindly, not really even registering that he was running until he stopped, feet stinging and lungs burning.

He collapsed inside his doorway, not even bothering to lock the door.

And he let the sobs wrack his body, wave after wave after wave, until he was heaving for breath, his body hurt everywhere.

He was used to this, although it hadn't happened for a couple of weeks, and eventually he was just empty, no emotion left. 

He laid in the entryway most of the night, surrounded by his thoughts.

At one point, Connor knocked on the door, but Evan ignored him, and eventually he went away.

"Evan!"

Connor yelled across the hallway.

Evan turned his head away and closed his locker, walking away before Connor could get through the crowd.

"Evan!"

He yelled again, pushing people out of his way.

Evan quickened his pace.

Connor grabbed Evan's arm, and he turned, shooting a murderous look at Connor before ripping his hand away, leaving Connor staring after him with a look of sorrow, not that Evan saw it.

The rest of the day flew by in a haze, which Evan was glad for, he hated school.

Connor didn't seem to have gotten the hint, and he kept trying to talk to Evan, who ignored him every time.

At the end of the day, as Evan was walking out of the building, someone grabbed him and pulled him into a classroom, he wasn't surprised to see Connor, who was standing in front of the door, arms crossed and a look of determination on his face.

"Let me out, Connor."

Evan said in a low voice.

Connor shook his head.

"Talk to me."

Evan walked to Connor, who stood almost a foot taller than him, and tried pushing him out of the way.

"Open the door,"

Evan was starting to raise his voice, something he never did.

Connor shook his head again.

"You can't keep ignoring me."

He responded.

"Watch me."

Evan replied, sitting down at one of the desks and opening his backpack, pulling out a book he was supposed to write a paper on.

The book was ripped out of his hand, and Connor threw it at the wall.

"TALK TO ME!"

He yelled, slamming his fist on the desk.

Evan stood up, fists balled.

"Fine, where were you?!"

He yelled back.

A looked of confusion passed over Connor's face.

"What?"

He asked.

"Where the fuck were you when I was getting screamed at?"

Evan yelled.

"I'm so sorry."

Connor said softly.

"Every single thing that I hate about myself, every fucking thing that I try not to think about, that I push down every fucking day because I hate it Connor, I HATE IT, screamed at me, because of YOU!"

Evan pointed accusingly.

"And you know What, Connor? I was finally like, 'hey this fucking druggie that everyone hates? He isn't actually so bad' And then I thought, 'No, this is the kid who threw a printer at the teacher in third grade', a fucking printer, Connor. And then I thought 'Maybe no one gives a shit about him and that's why he's such a dick. Maybe if I could show him that someone accepts him, we could actually be friends.'

"But no, you're just another rich kid who thinks he's different, who does exactly what every kid rebelling does, who keeps himself away from everyone because he thinks it's cool."

Connor opened his mouth to reply.

"No, listen!"

Evan yelled.

"I didn't even want to write the fucking letters, okay? I wanted to tell them the truth, that Zoe didn't write any suicide letter, that we weren't even friends."

He pointed accusingly.

"You're the one who fucking told me to lie. 'It'll blow over' my ass, you want everyone to think you hate everyone because you're so cool, Connor. You pretend to be this edgy cool guy, but you're not, okay?

You push everyone away because you can't even accept yourself, so why the fuck would anyone else accept you?"

Evan's voice had gone softer now, and he looked drained.

"you're a coward, Connor Murphy."

He took a short breath.

"That's all you are."

He finished, shaking his head and walking out of the room, not even bothering to grab his stuff.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey so some of this scene was definitely inspired by that one scene in stranger things (if you don't know the one, don't worry about it) but idk I thought it fit fairly well


	12. Chapter 12

Alana was a  _very_ lucky girl.

that was the only explanation for her life.

everything she did, she accomplished perfectly, including academics, sports, theatre and of course, the school newspaper.

the newspaper was just a fun thing she did on the side. The cherry on top of her college applications, if you will. And anyways, She only ran the gossip column.

By far the most popular part of the entire newspaper. It wasn’t going to do much as far as college went a girl’s gotta have  _some_ fun, right?

she ran both the online column and the physical one, and the school had enough drama that she never published a story to both pages, and for that, she counts have been prouder.

Alana was on her way to play rehearsal when she passed by a closed door, pausing when she heard yelling. She had probably subconsciously heard it before, but had been too wrapped up in her thoughts to pay attention to it.

She quickly fished her phone out of her bag and recorded what she could.

as Alana peeked through the small window, she was surprised to see Evan Hansen and Connor Murphy.

what surprised her even more was the fact that Evan seemed to be doing most of the yelling, while Connor sat hunched at one of the desks, head dipped in shame like a child being scolded. 

Shy, quiet Evan, was scolding the most intimidating person in their school.

the sight was almost comical, like a small elf chastising a dragon

it almost made her laugh.

she hadn’t even known they were friends. She’d seen Connor shove Evan onto the floor a week or so ago, so it must be a fairly new friendship, right?

she straightened her blazer and readjusted her glasses

it was her job to make sure the students knew what was going on in their own school, who had time to keep up on the gossip all by themselves?

the door flew open and Evan rushed past her, and he would have collided with her entirely if she hadn’t moved just in time.

she was worried he would ask her what she was doing there, but he didn’t even seem to notice her standing there, he just ran out of the building as fast as he could.

she decided it would be best to leave before Connor showed up, because she knew he would not let her off so easily, and she had seen his rage firsthand.

she tossed her hair over her shoulder, smiling inwardly.

she would have an interesting story to work on tonight. 

If she stayed up late, she might even have it published by morning.


End file.
